Silly how a song or entire album can seemingly take the words from my throat. It makes me feel validated, like I’m not alone in what I’ve gone through, someone else has felt the heartbreak and the knife twisting in their back. 

Well here’s just the kind of thing I think about when I haven’t slept in two days. It’s like this. And of course this concerns “Him” so let me just get that identifying uppercase out of the way so I don’t have to bother with it. Here’s just the thing about what you said to me, the day before I left, while we sat fucking bawling melodramatically on top of that rock in the middle of that field. You fucking said, and I’ll remember this perfectly verbatim for as long as these lungs hold up, “I need to save you, so I’m letting you go.” 

What a fucking crock of shit. And I mean on so many levels. Like, first off, I was begging you to reconsider. I shed evey but of pride I’d ever mustered to collect and begged on scanned knees for you to just give us more time, more chance, more fight. And you want to pretend you were still playing superman and “saving me” at the end? You were never the hero you tried to play, and even less then, with fucking  what I recognize now as stage tears in those ocean eyes as you said those words. Maybe that phrase is what will stay with me, because even in that alcocohol and alef pity soaked moment, I remember thinking, “this is him coping out. This is him trying to make himself feel better for knowingly ending my world”.” 

So you know what? I’m glad you made yourself feel better. Because I surely will never do that for you for as long as I live. I will be the dedicated antagonist in all of your stories, and I prefer it that way. I hope when you finally see through your own lies that you don’t choke on the irony as it comes up like bile in your throat.

Maybe I’ll feel crappy enough later to make another, longer, more meaningful text post. But for now, the day has been exceptionally decent.

It occurs to me that I’ve really broken the only men who showed me sweetness. I don’t know what to say about it…only that it’s a trend that exists. Starting with J**** and then M***** and most recently with Him. It’s undeniable. By it was never for nothing. As petty as it may sound, it was always reactionary. Either as a precaution to keep myself from getting hurt or as an act of revenge. I’m not as bad as these fuckers made me seem…maybe only half.

this ended up being about You anyways

Admittedly, when G**** called me yesterday and i was mid-bite into my veggie burger, i was very tempted to answer. But i dont know if this is ptsd from senior year, when assholes used to call me with ulterior motives relating to J***** just to like, taunt and hurt me, but i let it go to voicemail. I could feel my heartbeat pounding between my ears and then finally saw the little pop up telling me i had a new message come up. After listening to the 43 seconds of him basically stumbling through trying to tell me to call him back, i settled for a text just saying, ‘hi’. I kinda kept all my answers really short and the last thing he said was that he was afraid i’d never talk to him or see him again. I just told him i was still here. That was last night at 9 and we haven’t talked today. feels weird to be talking to him again. I had kind of resolved to leave him in the past. I have to say im relieved i didnt have to reach out first. Probably the first time that’s ever happened in the 11 years we’ve been friends. We havent spoken today and i sure as hell am not going to initiate that communication first ever again. I caught feelings like an idiot…and its so weird because truly and honestly i DIDNT have real feelings…i think…i just wanted to put all the leftover emotions from Him somewhere….anywhere. And he just so happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

So obnoxious…how everything comes back to Him. Like…can i have one day? Just one? I guess i should be thankful that i’m not crying and unstable like yesterday, at least…but still. I hate that i still have miles worth fuel left to burn about Him…

Fuck

Man I … Can’t catch a break ya know? I wake up torn to shreds by one
person, then get hurt by another, then have another reach out to me out of the fucking blue after exiling eachother out of one another’s lives. It’s like, is this a joke? What gives? I’m on my knees in my bedroom begging fucking God as to what the fuck I have to do to get the fuck out of this life sentence of fucking perpetual misery. Day after fucking night of this shit. I’m only one girl. I can only endure so much…im so tired. 

Don’t pretend you ever forgot about me

It tears me up to think about You and me having sex. Like, it was literally the best sex. I remember you saying that the day before the Last Day when we were driving around downtown Hell in your red xterra. You said You’d never have sex that great again. You said it with tears in your eyes and a knot in your throat when I played ‘All I Need’. We probably fucked a hundred times to that song. We probably made love 500 times. In the backseat of your parents car, my car, your car, the ABQ airport parking garage, Pier 39, the Stoneridge Mall parking garage, your mothers couch, your brothers bed. Your bed in Hell. I miss the blue and gray sheets I used to make in the morning, sometimes. I miss the sex. You said You’d never have sex like that again like you knew it for a fact. You know it for a fact, still. I just know it.

10:49 to you

You know it’s kind of bullshit how i dont ever run out of shit to say about You. What gives. Why the fuck can’t i just like, empty the well of You and Us and just STOP. Like i’m playing pandora, on a radiostation of a band WE never listened to and STILL Blackmill or something , anything will come on and just be this big reminder. Like, “Hey Elisa! I know you just got home from therapy where you spent an hour crying about Him, but here’s a song you two listened to while driving through San Francisco just in case you had forgotten to think of Him this hour.”
Like jesus fucking christ you have no idea how tiring it is to day in and day out be reminded of You and Us and everything. If i could take a scalpel to my brain and extract every single memory of Us i would in a heartbeat. My therapist says i need to be kinder to myself. I’m not sure how to do that today. It seems like You are fucking everywhere today, obnoxious as fuck and as usual. Fuck me.

I love that my cat sleeps right by my side. At first I thought maybe he just preferred my room at the end of the hall, since it was closer to his food bowl and litter box. But after he followed me to the opposite end of the house for two months, and now, my first night back in my old room, I wake up and he’s curled up to my left completely dozing. There’s just something about knowing a creature wants to be by your side no matter where you are. I’m not religious in the least but my cat is a God sent angel.  I’m very grateful for him this morning.

Had another dream where I blacked out from drinking. Everytime I have those dreams I wake up so relieved that I don’t actually have to deal with the anxiety and fear that waking up after passing out brings. Like, holy shit is that the worst part of drinking. That’s the negative I get in turn for the positive of forgetting the lung-crushing emotions that acohol wipes away so cleanly. These dreams make me never want to drink again.

For about 5 minutes. Then I remember the warmth and blurry eyed positivity that 5 or 17 sips from the plastic bottle brings. And the way it can nearly hand wrap all of the leftover carnage of destruction left from my misadventures in Hell. Acohol is truly my first, most cherished and toxic love. I’ll write novels about us someday.

a broken ankle i couldnt sweat out

i’ve got so much energy to fucking succeed right now. its almost like anger. i dont know why or how i let myself get so sidelined by Him and then G**** after that…it’s good that im single now. i want to focus on being the best me i can be. i can be so much…i just know it. and it’s Your fucking bad that you dipped when i was self-destructing, because know You’ll never ever get the opportunity to see me reborn. i havent been this genuinely excited and okay about myself in so long. i know it too will change, just like my bad moods never last, too.

but like today i put on make up and wore real clothes and did my hair. i felt like a human. and a pretty okay looking one at that. i even took pictures of myself.

thats not to say i dont still have so many things i have to do. and i;ll take advantage of the times ive pretty much got to be sedentary. i got my cast off but it’s still going to be two weeks until i can walk. so heres some things.

I have already:

• applied for ccsm. hopefully i can sign on for online classes soon.
• put on real clothes to go out after wearing sweatpants and sweaters for a whole two months
• started making a lot of arts. im actually super proud of this because i felt like it was such a Him thing. but im actually…maybe…decent-ish. the goal of course not to be better than Him but i wont deny that …i kinda am. id just never tried. and the things i made with Him in Hell were so mediocre…i’ve done much better on my own. i’m so much better on my own.
• began eating vegetarian again!

i will in the near future:

• change up my eating a bit because i really want to feel like the real me again and this is achieved by looking the way i want to look
• get a haircut
• move to san mateo
• go to disneyland for my bday!
• art more.
• write more
• go to school and be commited to it
  run another 5k, then 10k, and half

i meet with my real therapist on monday. ill probably also go to my dual diagnosis group at the risk of meeting up with Red 1. i feel pretty good about where i am now. like i know i am the most emotionally unstable fragile piece of shit but like, im pretty happy about being alone right now. i think ive needed to be for so long…literally 11 years. i plan to use this tie very well. even though i’ve “recovered” from everything before and fallen face fuckin first into relapse of old ways, i’m getting my ass back up again. and i want to fight so hard this time. i wanna prove my worth to not just myself but to everyone else who bailed out on me when i was failing and breaking. i mean that really keeps me going tbh. i’m going to be so much better. i can taste it.